This weekend I realized what the change has been. I’ve been trying hard to understand what has come over me the past four years. I describe it as a feeling of being stuck in the doldrums – happy and satisfied, but not invigorated and vivacious. I’ve considered that maybe I’m too old now that I’m in my 40s to be vivacious.
Then this weekend, while killing time in uniform in a Navy Reserve center, I thought about my recent push to take on a third job in a local restaurant kitchen. The initial thoughts popping into my mind tasted bitter and resentful. Then I thought about all the experiences in life that could’ve made me taste that resentment, but that I never really held a grudge about. What had shifted?
My mindset had slowly started to let this negativity in over the past five years. I know what opened the crack at that time, but hadn’t realized I’d let the tear grow a bit bigger in my head each year. Things in the past that I’d tackled with grit and optimism, I now run loose with bitter rebellion. All this time, I’d felt like I was fighting against myself. I felt betrayed by the Navy, betrayed by my body, even betrayed by society. And the worst part was that I was letting those kind of thoughts dictate my day-to-day life.
So as I thought about this kitchen job and how I could walk in feeling happy and upbeat and change the whole tone of the kitchen – that’s when I realized I own my mindset. And all of those areas where I’ve been letting what I thought of as unfair or just a slog to be passed through – are really missed opportunities to live and experience and grow.
Bring on spring. I feel like finally I’ve broken ground and am one of these blossoming tulips.
